Beta Railfan

“Yeah, it’s a white people thing.”

Those five words to describe the act of a young, married Irish-German girl eating a sandwich with chips in it have caused what was once a budding friendship with a great co-worker to implode on itself. Coincidentally, at the same time, I’ve Athena go from supportive friend who laughed at all of my silly remarks into a de facto bitch that becomes upset with anything that I say. I’m still wondering about how quickly I ended up sliding down into the abyss, but it certainly reflects the notion that once a woman loses respect for you, everything is out the door. Eventually, you do become the enemy of the state, and it does seem that nothing can work at rehabilitating your image. No begging, pleading, or explaining can remove the stench that comes with a fall from grace. Once you do realize what’s happened and one can figure out what induced the failure, the best thing to do is to move on, not be bitter, and find new women who hopefully won’t be contaminated.

Mind you, in my case, it’s devastating emotionally to lose two friends so quickly, one that made work tolerable, and another that was close to me emotionally. A lot of people may say that men and women cannot be friends, but I’ve found talking to these women to be satisfying to me. I never had much to really talk to them about as trains and roads tend to bore women, but I used to perform rather decently giving feedback from when they talked about their lives. It’s a dynamic that doesn’t exist in my male friendships, and to a certain extent, it allows for a deeper and more emotional bond as one slowly becomes involved with the details of their lives. So eventually you learn her dark secrets, her first love, and the hidden emotional and physical scar, and eventually, you feel safe enough to reveal your dark areas. In some cases, it’s superficial, but other times, you’re sitting in a hospital room holding hands comforting her, or she’s calling you to make sure that you made it safely in a strange and foreign land.

Ultimately, I do know that everything can never last forever, but I presumed that I had a little bit more time, especially with Athena to do more things with her. Sadly, I don’t think those trips to the museum or outlet center will ever materialize, but instead just more feelings of solitude and loneliness. It was nice to have her around to break the inertia of my life and drag me out of my comfort zone every so often. Admittedly, some of the initial despair that set in once I realized what was happening hasn’t left, but who isn’t going to be depressed when they’re finding out that they’re going to be lonely for what may be the rest of his or her life. Betting on having some women around to keep me entertained without commitment and sex may sadly become as foolish as the concept that housing prices can only go up.

FWIW, from a racial perspective, I can see why the first girl became upset. Admittedly, while the joke seems innocent at first, in the reverse situation, I could see why somebody could easily claim racism if somebody said “it’s a black thing”, especially if taken out of context with other people who aren’t familiar with each other. So what was a poor choice of words has easily blown up a friendship, and left severe emotional repercussions. Sadly, I don’t think things may become better in this aspect of my life as it does become increasingly hard to find and maintain friends as one ages and others pair off for the long-term. Of course, I could be wrong as four years ago, my Wellesley Queen had labeled me as a loser that she couldn’t be bothered to deal with, and nearly a year later, Athena had walked into my life…